My theme song for this year

Shine- by David Gray

I can see it in your eyes
What I know in my heart is true
That our love it has faded
Like the summer run through
So we'll walk down the shoreline
One last time together
Feel the wind blow our wandering hearts
Like a feather
But who knows whats waiting
In the wings of time
Dry your eyes
We gotta go where we can shine

Dont be hiding in sorrow
Or clinging to the past
With your beauty so precious
And the season so fast
No matter how cold the horizon appears
Or how far the first night
When I held you near
You gotta rise from these ashes
Like a bird of flame
Step out of the shadow
Weve gotta go where we can shine

For all that we struggle
For all we pretend
It don't come down to nothing
Except love in the end
And ours is a road
That is strewn with goodbyes
But as it unfolds
As it all unwinds
Remember your soul is the one thing
You cant compromise
Take my hand
Were gonna go where we can shine
Were gonna go where we can shine
Were gonna go where we can shine

(and look, and look)
Through the windows of midnight
Moonfoam and silver

The great announcement

So it took only about an hour for my aunt, whom I love, to say "OK Jenny, so when are you going to dish?" My aunt and I have a great relationship. She and I can speak so frankly to each other, and what others may think is a strained conversation, is actually a loving conversation. She speaks her mind and I understand her. So I sat in the living room and told my entire family what had been going on over the last 5 years. Again I am received with some great support and love.

My Grammi says "Life is too short to be unhappy, and I'm really glad you stood up for yourself."

My uncle follows with "Men who cannot handle strong women, have issues."

And my cousin, in classic form says "I'm just going to stay out of it."

Thank God that is over and that my family is the greatest!

Home sweet Home

There is something magical about being back in your parent's home, back with the people who know you best and where things rarely change. Why is it so comforting to know that the q-tips are under the right side of the vanity in the master bathroom? And that my Mom will always have an assortment of at least 15 kinds of tea? And, annoying as it is, that there are only left-handed scissors in the kitchen and sewing room, but the right-handed scissors are only found in my brother's room? Or that there is a dimmer switch in the upstairs bathroom because my brother hates bright light first thing in the morning, so he practically takes a shower in the dark? And how about the part about how your family will back you up no matter what is going on in your life, and that they are always there for you?

My Dad and I always go the day before Christmas Eve to purchase a lovely gag gift for my grandmother who is aging by the day, but who remains a good sport. She always finds some use for the gift that we so lovingly pick out. We always break down laughing in the store where it is purchased, then rush home to show my mom, who is not equally amused, and I think feels as though on some level, we are abusing my grandmother.

I also love driving across Missouri with the parents the exact same way every time. We stop at the QT at Mid Rivers Mall Drive to fill up, then drive west to the first exit for Colombia to get Burger King, then head into the PRK. My Dad always announces when we have crossed into what we call the "PRK" or the People's Republic of Kansas. My Dad always calls when we are about 40 minutes away to alert everyone of the exact moment we will arrive.

The comfort in these events makes me smile, and even though everything in life is changing rapidly, there are some constants to come home to. I love you guys!

I'm Fine

KK and I sit here, another night, battleshipping. She writing deep and meaningful things, and I trying to do the same.

I am fine. Really. I haven't felt this fine in so long. I wish people would stop feeling sorry for me. If I've talked to you in the last couple of days, I've made this point clear. On Sunday I started feeling guilty that I didn't feel like curling up in a ball and sobbing my eyeballs out. But I just don't. I was told to pray for protection. I have been, nightly. It's helping. Calling on your true inner strength from the only source you can draw completely on, totally works. I'm so thankful for my Faith in God. Without it I might be falling apart. I also owe a world of gratitude to Kathy Grammer for helping me tap into my intuition. I actually listen when I feel sick to my stomach about something. I am relying on this tool all of the time now, and it is working for me. I haven't felt sick to my stomach for a long time, and usually it's an everyday occurrence.

Eggs can mean so much

So today I witnessed a miraculous thing. This morning, as I was getting up and milling around getting ready, I saw Kevin in the kitchen cooking eggs. Two days before I had seen him making eggs for Baby I, which I think is really cool, but then he put the eggs and toast on a plate, grabbed a diet coke and headed into KK's room. Wow, Kevin got up early, made KK eggs and took them to her in her room where she was getting ready. I mean, that is almost breakfast in bed. And that is crazy great. I was in shock. Granted, I have been told by KK herself that it isn't always like this and while he has his great moments, he also has his bad ones. But to me, this was awesome! I think if this had happened one time in the last 7 years, I would stick around. At this point that would even be enough for me to stay.

Poll question of the day- Do you have more good days than bad days in your marriage?

Result- 99% Yes, 1% No

I never knew it could be bliss.

Hmmmmmmmm

You bring sunshine

J! I don't know what to say. 2am hasn't seemed so great in so long- probably because I haven't had any reason to stay up so late, and I had forgotten what 2am looks like. Usually, I can't wait to get to bed- to forget about everything that is going on in life. It's my time to relax, but I've grown to love this time of night, as I once did when living in Haifa. Thank you for the sunshine you bring me every day.

Gaz and Maz- KK and I have started tabletime on Marblepointe- which Kevin is calling "Battleship". Ours is consisting of listening to Coldplay and KK drinking a glass of wine, while I sip on some tea.

A whole lot of love

I have been over-joyed this weekend by the warmth that KK, her son, and her baby daddy have shown me. I have been staying with them for the past couple of nights, and while their family isn't perfect, they seem perfect to me.

Tonight, I participated in a Pagan ritual which I haven't participated in for years. My family gave it up over 10 years ago, and I haven't been fond of it for a long time. I haven't been fond of this whole Holiday for quite some time. I'm disappointed by the over zealous materialism which presents itself on this one day, and for what? The birth of one of God's prophets. Person A said to me the other day- I wonder what it would be like, if everyone who celebrated Christmas actually stopped for a moment on Christmas Day to say a prayer for Jesus. This is such an interesting thought. What an impact that could have on the world spiritually. Anyway, we decorated the Christmas Tree tonight. KK's mom and step dad came over, we played Christmas music, baked green Christmas tree cookies, and hung ornaments. I of course had to put my mark on the tree with my Cardinal ornament front and center.



But the greatest thing was looking up from the puzzle that KK and I were working on in between cookie baking and hanging ornaments and seeing the love all around the living room. Even with KK's baby daddy hanging around wanting for more, and Baby I fussing and breaking ornaments and "G" vacuuming up the pieces, the love was so present in the air of this house, which I am now calling home.

J! I can't get enough of your words.

It's Over

The end of an era came on Thursday night. My life will be changing.

Your unwillingness to ask for help, to seek help, lets me know what I need to know. Your lack of faith in Faith tells me the rest of the story. I feel nothing. I want nothing. I'm numb. I'm just going about my days weightless. Free of the burden of you. I am sorry for the life that will never be, a life that had such promise. And I am feeling guilty about the lack of emotion in me now. But what am I supposed to do, I guess I expected to be a huge ball of depression, unable to get out of the bed- but I'm just not.

Last night a friend hugged me and for the first time in years, I had a huge thrust of wow. I haven't felt that in ages. It's good.

KK, thank you for being my savior right now. I'm totally comfortable here and at peace here. I love the babe running around.

Update

I feel like it's time for a blogging update:

1. I still have sand in my shoes, mostly from Colorado, but I just came back from there, so that might be the problem. Seeing Double B's and Katie, and the fact that my snow was there- not helpful.

2. My father-in-law is doing very well!

3. Our plant died last week. I didn't tell you.

4. I sucked it up and paid my $250 parking ticket.

5. I'm still holding out for a Sushi drive-thru.

6. Holiday season has made we work twice as much as I normally would have double-worked.

7. Another song I realized I love to sing to- Livin' on a Prayer, Bon Jovi

8. There is still a warrant out for my arrest

9. My tipping point might be Jan. 1

10. My hair has been awful since returing to the land of humidity.

A wave of sadness

I was feeling totally content and happy with my trip to Colorado. I felt as though some things were actually completed, which I had left un-completed. While I was closing doors, other doors were opening. And then this afternoon a wave of sadness overcame me.

I realize now that I everyone knew, and everyone told me, and that I refused to listen.

Megan told me. I believe her words were "I can't believe you are going to waste your life on this..."

Double B's told me. I believe his words were "Here I am standing in front of you, giving you all of me and you want to give yourself to _________."

My Mom told me. I believe her words were "Why are you doing this?"

Maz and Gaz told me. I believe their words were "Are you sure this is what you want for the rest of your life?"

Most importantly, my soul. My soul told me and I didn't even listen. I compromised. And now I have the opportunity to fix it. But do I have the strength? I'm not sure that I do, and so all I can do is pray for strength. I already have the support.I already have the plan. It's the execution. I already know what to do I just have to do it.

Can I please give a shout out to my support team- Gaz, Maz, KK, Double B's, Katie, Kim, Roselyn, J!. If I haven't roped you in I might be calling on you soon.

J!

J! Where are you? It's been days and I am missing our nightly convos. Come back!

Another great hair day

Not only is my time in Boulder great, but so is my hair. I can do this no humidity thing. I mean, I fix my hair and it stays perfect. Lays perfect, the color shows perfectly, the wind blows and it still is perfect. A phenomenon I have yet to experience in Houston.

When I woke up this morning, it was still snowing and a man entered my room with my breakfast- room service might be my new luxury. It was a beautiful scene, my winter wonderland had completed itself overnight, with trees drooping from the weight of the snow and cars covered and the inability to tell the difference between a sidewalk and a street.

I headed into Boulder to meet up with an old friend who is having the same struggles that I am having with this life. To bond with her over these issues was so liberating. I'm holding you to the end of January! Thanks for the Snarf's!

And to re-bond with you was amazing. It was just what I needed to be able to live again. You are my lobster and I am your oyster holding onto the pearl. You remind me of who I am and how great I am, and you make me believe it. You know me to the core of my being, even after so many years. We sat, we talked, and I am now on cloud 9. You give me strength, you give me hope. And to know that the flame will exist forever, even if our timing never aligns, gives me joy. I still want to scream from the mountain tops! And I will try to put my flip flops on.

From Denver with Love

When I started off today, all I had was a plane ticket and a front row seat to David Gray. What I ended up with was what I would consider a perfect day. Taking off from Houston where it was 82 degrees and landing in Denver where it was 37 is sheer bliss for me. It had just started snowing and creating my winder wonderland. Double B's says it was just for me. My Snow. My Mountains.

AAA is my new best friend. I called from IAH airport and told them to book a car and a room for me and that I would be landing in 2 hours- they set it all up, emailed my confirmations to the Blackberry and with super discounts. I have never used my AAA membership before, but I might be making up reasons to use it now.

I feel like I my whole blog is a product endorsement sometimes.

We picked up the urban assault vehicle and headed into Boulder for the afternoon, grabbing a coffee to walk Pearl Street with and basked in the glow of the huge flakes falling on our heads.

When we got back in to Denver we checked in to the greatest hotel where we were pampered with great ambiance and luxurious linens. We ate a great buffet dinner and headed off to the best concert I had ever been to. I've never sat front row at any concert, but to be sitting front row at David Gray was the ultimate for me. I can die now. It was as if he was sitting in my living room playing for me. It was so intimate and lovely. He opened with Shine- a song wich contains my current life motto "Your soul is the one thing you can't compromise." This might be the truest statement ever. Your soul is the one thing that is completely yours.

I feel so alive in this city. I live when I'm here, live like I love to live.

And it continues to snow through the night.

To Re-Connect

I wanted to start off by saying that it was really hard for me to resist the urge to eat chocolate chips for breakfast this morning.

I realized this week that reconnecting with old friends and family is so important. I quite possibly don't bring any benefit to other's lives, but they certainly do bring that to me.

BW- blast from the past. From the way past, like pre-school past. So glad to have someone in H-town to make me feel at home and to remenisce about good ol' B.T. times. In the last 7 years I have interacted with one person from my elementary days so it's nice to reconnect with someone else and find out who they are in contact with and what all the goss is with them. BW reminds me of what it was like to be a kid with no cares in the world. At the end of this month I have my 10 year high school reunion in B.T. where I will be flooded with these childhood memories.

I heard from an old friend- J! as we all call him (yes with exclamation!) When I met him I was 18 years old and boy did he catch my eye. He was so cool and debonair, and he wore this white doo rag thing on his head (and he is the whitest white boy you will ever meet from OKC at that). We were at a Baha'i Conference in Dallas and there were tons of young people running around all over the place. I wish I could remember what he said which started our whole conversation, but I can't (it was 10 years ago). Over the course of the weekend we were inseparable, ending the weekend with a big pash session, which at 18 is so fun. What I love and remember most about J! was not that we had great make out sessions, but that he had a vitality for living that I hadn't found matched yet in my life. I loved talking to him and being around him. Anyway, we recently found each other again and I'm so excited because I need his spark for life back in mine.

Double B's- I have a sneaky suspicion that you will keep kreeping up in my life no matter what. While most of the time I feel like that is a bad thing for me, as we are in two totally different places in life, I feel too like it's a good thing. You are the person who reminds me of what it is to be truely loved and cherished- no matter what. And right now I need that more than anything. I'd like to think that our meeting will help alleviate some of my thoughts of you and help me move on with my life in general. And maybe a little part of you who still thinks of me can move on too.

Thank you people from the past for reminding me of who I am!

Dishes wasn't one of them

You did a lot of things today, but dishes wasn't one of them

You brewed a cup of coffee, but didn't drink it
You got dressed, but didn't pick up your socks
You sent me a text message, but didn't change the toilet paper roll
You emailed everyone under the sun, but didn't bother to feed the cats
You went shopping for sweaters, but you didn't bring the trashcans in from the curb
You're playing tennis, but you didn't check the mail

I've been waiting for days
You've done a lot of things over the last 9 days, but dishes has not been one of them.

The Tipping Point

I'm reading a book- I know a phenomenon in and of itself. The Tipping Point. It's all about how people do things or buy things and it's cool, but then at some point these things become real trends. Like that one penny that takes you from a regular person to a millionaire or how one run way model wore leggings and now its a total trend and everyone is wearing leggings (that was for my girls). So this book examines at what point our actions stop climbing the side of the tower and start tipping it over. I'm not very far in the book, but it is super interesting.

And...it got me to thinking. I'm sort of at this huge crossroads in my life, and so I'm starting to evaluate what my own tipping point is. I had a chat with a little lady in Chicago the other day. She advised me to keep a journal for 6 months, everyday, of my interactions with a certain person and to start really analyzing them and examining them. At first I thought, I don't really want to do this, how laborous and painful. And, I'm not one to journal, but then I'm not one to read or have a blog either, nonetheless, here I am- journalling, blogging and reading. And surprisingly, this journalling thing has been quite liberating. I've been doing it now for about a week and it's amazing. Eye opeing. And so I thought I would need 6 months to reach my tipping point, but I'm thinking it will come a lot sooner.

There had to be a Thanksgiving Post

On this day, I am always reminded of the best Thanksgiving and definitely most memorable Thanksgiving I have had in my life. The one year I spent this day of thanks in Israel:

Gaz, Maz and I decided to host a Thanksgiving dinner for 20 of our closest friends. We mailed crafty invitations, set out our menu plan, and ordered our Turkey. My favorite comment when menu planning- as we are going down the list of all the yummy things to make and buy "Turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole..." and as we are all volunteering to get the recipe for, or plan to make each item Maz (not volunteering for anything on the list yet) yells out "Oh, I'll make the salad." WHAT?! Salad? My response was "who is going to eat a salad?" and my internal thought was "why are we wasting time making a salad?" She quickly recovered by volunteering to make the cranberries. And Maz made the salad too.

This truely was a valient effort by all. In the US we have all of the modern conveniences of Thanksgiving cooking right in our grocer's isle. Not in Israel. Things that we all take for granted like, canned cranberries and pumpkin, those bags of pre-dried and pre-seasoned stuffing, Butterball turkey, and brown and serve rolls. To start, I had to call my mom and have her go to the store in the US, purchase 1 can of pumpkin and ship it to me oversees. She was ever so gracious to do just that. But when she got to the post office to mail the pumpkin, they informed her that it would be over $10 to ship accross the world. She said no and went home, told my dad the story about how she could not justify spending over $10 to mail a can of $.99 pumpin. He sent her right back to the post office and I received my goods 10 days later. The sacrafice for this meal was just amazing. I had to find a recipe online for how to make real stuffing- I had no idea. I spent 3 days drying bread in the oven and on the counter and then cutting it into perfect cubes. And then there is the turkey- which was delivered to me in a black trashbag- like the kind that Glad makes. I really didn't know what I was getting myself into- then I opened the bag- only to find that the turkey still needed plucking. Yes, I spent the better part of Thanksgiving morning plucking the turkey. I've never done that before and...I hope to never do it again.

Also, please note that in Israel, it is not Thanksgiving Day, and they don't care about Thanksgiving- so we were also working all day. Luckily I worked across the street from where I lived so I was able to run home every hour to baste the turkey.

By the time dinner rolled around, we were about 2.5 hours late serving, but a good time was had by all. Dilerium set in and I found my friend Atash in the kitchen picking every morsal of turkey off of the bone with a fork, and at one point Gaz was laying face down on the floor unable to move because of the amount of food she had consumed. All of us standing around laughing at her was not helping and I am thankful to this day that none of it came out.

Thanks for the memories you guys! I am most thankful for you!

Warrant out for my arrest

Just wanted to alert you all that you might be seeing me in a jail near you. I missed my jury duty. I've never been called for jury duty ever before, and I got called and then I rescheduled it

twice

and then forgot about it because last week was the busiest of all weeks for me.

And so now, I might get arrested.

Sometimes you just have to sing

I'm sure we all have songs we belt out at the top of our lungs when in the car by ourselves. I have my own list of obscure tunes that you might find on my iPod, but that I enjoy most when I randomly hear them on the radio.

Sister Christian, Night Ranger- Your motorin' what's your price for flight? In finding mister right. You'll be alright tonight.

Blaze of Glory, Bon Jovi- Shot down in a blaze of glory. Take me now, but know the truth. Shot down, in a blaze of glory. Lord I never drew first, but I drew first blood, I'm no one's son, call me Young Gun.

Ok, you know you are singing along now. Let's get off of the Monster Ballads. How about this one:

Frontin' with Pharrell and Jay-Z- I'm ready to bet it all, nevermind if I'm showin' off. I was just frontin', you know I want ya babe.

And:

All I wanna do, Sheryl Crow- I like a good beer buzz early in the morning, and Billy likes to pull the labels from his bottle of Bud....All I wanna do is have some fun. I gotta feelin' I'm not the only one.

And most recently:

The Way I Are, Timbaland- I don't need the cheese and the car keys boy I like you just the way you are. Let me see ya strip, you can get a tip, I like you just the way you are.

If you have a song you just can't resist, no matter how good or bad, or mainstream, it is I'd love to hear about it. It makes for a good laugh.

People have nerve

On Thursday, I possibly had the busiest day I have ever had, and may ever have during my tenure at the firm.

In the process of catering to 480 attorneys and their mildly rediculous requests, which came on the eve of their all-important meetings, I was also getting all sorts of last minute requests the day of the all-important meetings and even after their all-important meetings had started. See, this week, almost all of the attorneys from the firm offices around the country and around the word descended on our office, the home office, in Houston.

Note- all meetings started at 3:00pm on Thursday

Request #1- 6pm Wednesday- Jen, I would like a Margarita party for 100 people with chips, queso, guac, and salsa. I would also like beer, wine and champaign.
*Easy enough, I, of course, pre-predicted reqeusts for beer and wine and made sure we were fully stocked for such requests. However when I called to get frozen margaritas for 100, my only option seemed to be a margarita machine, which we are not allowed to have because they trip breakers when we are running 16 PowerPoints on one floor. And they won't bring them pre-mixed because there is some crazy law that you cannot transport 8 vats of open liquor accross town. OK GREAT! How does one solve this problem? She finds hereself a restaurant that will totally violate the liquor laws of the great state of Texas. Thank God for law breakers.

Request #2- 6:30pm Wednesday evening- Jen, I would like a full bar with peanuts, pretzels and chips.
*Well, what does full bar mean? Beer and wine? Liquor with mixers? Do you need a bartender? I get all kinds of requests for "full bar" which doesn't actually mean full bar with bartender, but just means beer, wine and their favorite mixed drink, which they will make everyone drink because they are so fabulous that everyone should love what they choose for them. Yes, we have some pompus attorneys running around our office.

Request #3- 7:27pm Wednesday evening- See request #1, but for 75 people. Solution- the same.

Request #4- 2:30pm Wednesday afternoon- Ice cream party for 15. No problem, called the vendor, it's all ready for delivery Thursday at 1:00pm. This was the easiest.

Request #5- 2:45pm Thursday (day of, meetings starting at 3:00pm) I happen to walk into party #2 and get-- Jen, I didn't know we could get chips and queso for our parties. Can I get some now? Oh sure- I say. I do work wonders these days.

Request #6- 2:58pm Thursday (as I'm making sure everything is ready for the 3:00 meetings)- I get this email from an admin: Dear Jen, I need you to call me right away. I'm supposed to bring the turkey for the secretary pot-luck Thanksgiving luncheon, but I've had a family emergency pop up and I wanted to know if you could store the turkey, heat it up, slice it for me and take it to the potluck on Friday at noon. And I respond- Oh sure, in the middle of feeding 480 people lunch on Friday, I'll be sure to take care of your little turkey. NO! I cannot. Please people- take care of your own turkeys for your own Thanksgiving potlucks, or ask someone else in your department to do it, but I cannot help you. The kicker to this request is that she then procedes to call me from home on Friday asking if the person she did leave in charge of the turkey can borrow a knife from us. Again- NO! I can't lend out a knife when I have 3 chefs preparing food in my kitchen, all slicing beef tenderloin for your attorneys. Are you crazy- do you not know that all of your attorneys from all of the offices around the world are here having lunch in my Conference Center? When I refused to answer her emails and voicemails, she started calling my receptionists and making them page me on our wireless radios- that really pissed me off. Do you not think that if I had the time to call you or email you back that I would have. I finally told everyone- if Estella Byers calls, I'm not available, you don't even have to ask.

The great part about this week is that even with all of the maddness, I managed everything so smoothly that there was not one hiccup. My boss even said to me "I actually slept, knowing that you were in charge." and "Jen, you did an amazing job" and my favorite "I've never worked with someone before who I could truely collaborate with, and who holds the same things important." I feel really great about this last week. I think I'm mastering my career.

It's Official- I'm a workaholic

This was definitely not supposed to happen to me. But it has. I left work at 9:06pm tonight. And this isn't the first time.

How do people do it? How do I do it? I don't know, but for some reason I just keep on plugging away. Do other people have the disease of never being done? Because I feel like it's just me out there in the "all work zone" by myself... well me and the 36 year old single females running Fortune 500 companies.

It seems like part of the problem is that I never finish. It's not that I'm inefficient, or atleast I don't think it is, but I can never just clear my desk, leave for the day and be happy about it. Maybe it's that I always see something that needs to be done. Maybe it's that I'm a perfectionist. Maybe I just like working so I constantly create more work. Well, whatever the reason, I work all of the time.

Atleast I love my job. It could be worse, I could be a workaholic at a job I loathe. And I have to take a moment to be thankful. I really needed a job change earlier this year, I asked God for it, went out into the world to go after it, and I got it! I am so grateful! Not many people get paid to do what they really love, get paid well, and feel a true sense of accomplishment. And I do.

Here's a big thank you to the Universe for aligning at the right time just for me.

Closure

I'm pretty good about finishing things in my life. I try to see everything through to the end. I try to put my all into something before calling it quits. No matter the sacrifice, no matter the pain, no matter the compromise. I have done it with volunteering gigs, work, relationships, friends and family. And then there's Double B's, the one thing that I cannot finish. I thought that by telling myself how to feel that I could overcome, that I would be able to let go. And after 6 years, it's still not working. Such a short time spent, and yet such an impact. And maybe I am the only one. But I have so many questions and so many things to share. I feel that if I could just sit across from you for an hour, see your face, hear your voice, see the joy in your demeanor, and hear how happy you are, that I could be finshed and move on. I need to close this chapter in my life, so that I can re-gain the hope to experience life to its fullest.

A very select few read me. I opened my unknown-to-most journal to you, which I hope you do read. I gave you the option to read, but may never know if you do. I am coming in three weeks. You owe me nothing. I want nothing more than to talk. Meet me, just for a minute.

Sorry

Gaz- I'm sorry I've been AWOL. You understand. Can I come over and get a cigar?

The Butler Theory

I have a theory...that a butler will solve all of a girl's problems, and most of a boy's problems.

First of all, a butler will cook and clean for you. Essentials! My life would be a million times less stressful if I could come home to a clean house and a home-cooked meal everyday. Wouldn't your life be less stressful if you didn't have to worry about those two basic chores? Of course the butler has a day off, so you still get your little homemaker day once or twice a week.

Second- the butler does yard work. Things like trimming the rose bushes, pulling weeds, re-mulching.

Pick-up dry cleaning- wow, your freshly pressed clothes, just show up in your closet. Not to mention general laundry duty.

Wow, now that I'm writing all of this down, it's even better than I originally thought.

And what about bugs and pests? Yes, your very own roach killer. In Texas we have huge roaches. They enter your house, no matter what. The butler would definitely take care of those for you. And those other pests- my friend Kristin had a mouse problem. See, she lived in a new sub-division where they were still doing construction and when they started a new house and cleared a field all of the rodents would run to the next lot over. She had just separated from her fiance when the problems were starting. A butler would have been such an asset.

Another great thing about the butler is that he would be a constant companion, without all of the expectation. No feelings, no your family/my family issues, no sex. It's a business relationship, professional and courteous. And, since you are providing room and board, he doesn't even cost much. It's a win, win, win situation.*

*Uhm...I'm not actually serious about any of this.

3 things

One thing I love:
My housekeeper. I just came home from a long day at work, when I left, lots of things were in disarray- as I just came back from a trip and have a suitcase that exploded all over the place and a roommate who can't be bothered do do dishes. Now I have perfect lines in my carpet.

One thing I hate:
Women who walk awkwardly in high heals. I've seen I don't know how many just today. Ladies-- if you can walk gracefully in them, there are plenty of cute flats out there for you to wear. This may seem harsh, but you know the people who walk stiff legged with ankles wobbling side to side as if they were on ice skates for the first time. There is such a thing as finding your center and going with it. I encourage you to find your center or go with flats

One thing I need:
Drive thru Sushi. If only there was one. Within a 30 mile radius of my house. There is no one around here to eat sushi with, and I almost can't be bothered walking into a place, ordering, and waiting 15 minutes for them to roll my raw fish. Sometimes I just want it now.

The final table time

As of right now, I am having my final table time with Gaz and Maz. When we started tabletime on Thursday this table was completely clean and clear of all clutter. And well...you can see how it has ended, and it's even worse now than when I took this photo.



A weekend filled with good food, great shopping, talk therapy, and writing therapy does a person good. The weekend ended with a great devotional at our good friend Holly's home and this quote is the most impactful one I have read in a long time:

"God has given man a heart and a heart must have some attachment. We have proved that nothing is completely worthy of our heart's devotion save reality, for all else is destined to perish. Therefore the heart is never at rest and never finds real joy and happiness until it attaches itself to the eternal."

Attaching myself to the real reality is difficult, as it is not tangable nor is it very present in my life right now. I need to find it again. But where do I start?

To my girls: Thank you for a wonderful weekend. There is nothing more sad than the thought of leaving your ever-presence tomorrow morning. I have purchased more things since the last time we purchased things together. I have had eaten more food that I actually like this weekend than the last time we were eating our way from the East over to the West side of Nashville. I have slept less hours than I would ever normally not sleep in a weekend. I have laughed harder than I have since the last time we laughed hard. I have enjoyed my days with you more than I enjoy any other days in my life. All my love, Jaz

Crack up all day

You girls make me laugh.

Shopping for ugly shoes is way fun.
















Golriz go to bed.





P.S. You are a walking poem.

Your Day

It's your day! We only get one a year, so please enjoy it. Don't spend the whole day building a fence. Also, don't wear *@%less chaps on Sunday. Thank you.

Thank you for the joy you brought to me yesterday. I laughed so hard with you. Thank you for laughing with me.

I want to celebrate you in this moment. You are a wonderment to me. I hold you in the highest of regards and I quite possibly always will. I think that you are one of the most genuine people that I have met in my life. There is no smoke or mirrors to you. Your true self shines brightly all the time. I love that about you. I love how you haven't let that change. I love that you allow your wants to come forward even when they shouldn't. I love that I can allow mine to come through as well. I will be forever indebted to your wonderful self, and I can never praise you enough for just being you. I will never be able to thank you enough for the safe and nurturing space you created for me, and still keep open for me. You are kind. You are lovely. You are you.

Being in the safe space you have created, I shared with you a thought over text. I hope I didn't scare you with my last message. But it is the truth. And I do think it is the truth for you too. Both of us are trying to live our lives in our present state. I find this to be so difficult. There are so many aspects of my life that are great. But some of the biggest elements are not. But because you create a safe space for me I am all freed up to share whatever I want. And so now I have possibly shared too much.

My Day

Today is my day. I started my day by staying up for the first 5 hours of it, sleeping the next 5, and now I've been up for a whopping 7.5. The day is still young, as I think we will all stay up 'til atleast 4am again. I'm having a real fun time. I've been shopping, getting a pedicure, we are planning Persian food for dinner, and some super fun shoe shopping for later. All of the elements are present: Golriz, Marabeth, shoes, spa time, Persian food. What else does a girl need on her birthday?

In the last 4 hours our plans have totally changed. And yet, things are still perfect. I had a long convo. with B of C. This is always a birthday treat- hopefully it will be a yearly call. This year was way silly. And fun, and we laughed out loud! It was such a fun 15 minutes. We ate at a super cutie cafe and Gaz sent a cookie-gram to a man who let her drink from his French soda glass. I also got a talkin' to about life, love and liberty. Those 3 things can be hard to swollow.

There are things in life we need to do and those same things we cannot bring ourselves to do. Making changes means leaving someone or something behind. Difficult? Definately.

Gaz and I decided that Tazo Teas are gross. And Starbucks burns their coffee to the point of bitterness.

Flight of the Conchords might possibly be the funniest show ever.

My friend Maz is amazing me today. She hasn't stopped amazing me all day. First of all she stayed up until 3:30am, like a rock star, with us, then proceeded to get up at 6:30am to go off to work. If you know anything about Maz, she may as well have climbed Everest. Then she was flawless in helping Gaz get through her total lie of food poisoning- the lie which helped Gaz to be off of work today so that she could entertain me today. The girl who gets busted 10 times out of 10 was in rare form today. I can't get over it. I can't get over her. Maz, I'm so proud! Sleep my child sleep.

Totally content

Right now, I am in Nashville, sitting around a table with the 2 most magnificent people I know. I couldn't be more happy. Tomorrow is my birthday and this is the best birthday prezzie I could ever have been given. These two people are a gift to me everyday of my life. From the moment they picked me up at the airport, it has been bliss. At the present moment, we are listening to soft somber music, smoking cigars in the chill of the night, while drinking tea and typing away on our respective laptops. I love being with my girls. The sand might be settling in my shoes again.

This birthday thing forces reflection. What have I done this past year? What will I do in the coming year? I will think of birthdays of the past. I think about my birthday next year. Should I set goals? What is important? I only have one year left of my life as we know it. I am sure that the days will pass quickly. This next year could be scary. I have come into my own once again. Why do I do that? Slip in and out of my own will? I should just stay in will. But it can be so easy to sway... at another person's whim.

The IPhone will be the death of me

Person A. got an IPhone. Such a brat. And now, Person A. eats with the IPhone, sleeps with the IPhone, plays with the IPhone all day, meets up with others who own an IPhone daily, turns down work becuase it might get in the way of time with the IPhone, and now can't consult about what to have for dinner because of the IPhone.

I'm here to tell you, there is life after the IPhone. Oh, and I hate the IPhone... of course while being totally envious that all I have is a Blackberry.

My Blackberry- singular

I am finally a one-blackberry woman. And my purse is atleast 2lbs. lighter for it.

What the Bleep?!

Did you know that there is such a thing that exists as a $250 parking ticket. Well they do. And I should know, I am now the proud owner of one.

You would think that I parked in an Ambulance Emergency Loading Zone, or by a fire hydrant, or a handicap spot, or what about those prego mother parking spots at Kroger-- you know, things that actually affect people's lives. But nooooo- a commercial loading zone ON A FRIGGIN' SATURDAY downtown. Who is loading anything commercial on a FRIGGIN' SATURDAY anyway?!

I am now collecting Shekels to help my cause. If you have any to donate, please send them to the Houston Police Department Attn: Ticket 5609471C. Thanks.

AND in the election on November 8th, vote against $250 PARKING TICKETS

Wait, wait...is that Fall

Oh yes, hello friend. I've been waiting for you since last year.

I cannot explain how much I love this time of year. And with each year, I love it more!

The air cools, the humidity leaves.
Pumpkin patches start popping up.
I no longer have to water my lawn every day.
I can open the kitchen window and enjoy a breeze in the evening.
I can take a jog without passing out.
I can light up the chiminea and huddle under a blanket.
My birthday is coming soon.
My favorite shows come back on TV.
I can eat pumpkin everything.
Greedy kids will tick-or-treat.
I make my annual pilgrimage to Nashville.
A cup of tea is present in my hand throughout the day and night.
Baseball season is at its most dramatic.
I bake for days.
I drive with the moon roof open and the heated seats on.
I remember picking apples with my mom and my brother.

And on and on.

I am so grateful that it is here. I have to wait until almost November to feel it where I live, whereas others of you see the change early in September. Feel lucky.

Choices

Last week I was faced with a hard, cold realization. The choices we make are ours and we are the only ones who have that right. I am responsible for the choices I make and have made.

Another quote- the most difficult I've had to swollow in a long time "making a choice means leaving something or someone behind."

I'm at this turning point again where it might be time to make some difficult choices, difficult meaning leaving someone or something behind. I'm not sure what to do with that, but it hurts. One minute, I'm ready. The next, I'm not. Something has to give, as I cannot remain this way indefinately. Has the pain of same become greater than the possible pain of change? I'm not there yet, but I am feeling the pangs and emotion of it all.

How do you measure love? I have always felt that it was part emotional, part spiritual, and part practical. Does one part carry more weight than the others? Walk a spiritual path with practical feet. That's what He says. But what if the emotion is gone? In the words of Gaz- what if I'm a vegetable? And what happens when people you carry emotion for take advantage? Is emotional damage reversable? I think I hurt someone so badly that it may never be repaired. In the process I have hurt myself beyond repair. Can you recover? Can I recover? Can you recover? What does it take? I lined out some steps hoping to repair:

Therapy
Clairvoyant
B of C
LSA
Counsel
Person a.

By the end, will it have helped me? If it doesn't I don't know what else to do.

For Gazza

I heard Mr. Jones today, in Marshalls. I sang along and smiled.

I did a nice thing today

I helped a turtle cross the road. As I was driving home from running errands this morning, I saw a turtle, all tucked up in his shell, sitting in the middle of the road- on his way to a green pasture. Yes, there are still some green places in this blasted city I live in. So I stopped in the middle of the road, put on my flashers and picked him up to put him in the green space. As I drove off, he started to mosey into the tall grass. And that made me feel good.

I have a plant

You know those people who have plants that represent something?

Well I have a plant.

Let me tell you about the plant. I received the plant, as a gift, many years ago. It was given to me by someone I dearly loved. It was given on a very happy day during a happy time. It's just a simple plant in a perfect container that was custom made for me. Hand crafted with utmost care. I have moved it a number of times, the plant goes everywhere with me. The plant makes me happy. So the plant is in my house, in a place where I see it everyday. I watch the plant and monitor its health and well-being. I wash the plant, and trim the plant, I care for the plant... and the plant is barely hanging on- not dead, and it doesn't appear to be dying, but it is stressed, and it certainly isn't thriving. And it has been that way for quite some time.

I should probably let the plant die.

I do let go at times.
The water runs dry.
It shrivels up.
Then I give it some water.
It comes back to life.
It may never die.
I may keep moving it from place to place for the rest of my life.


It's not easy to detach from a living thing.

Donuts in a Chaffer

My favorite thing about my job is taking the ordinary, in this case donuts, and making them extraordinary, by putting them in a chrome chaffer to keep them warm. It cracks me up. Who puts donuts in a chaffer? I bet in your office, when you stop to pick up donuts for a meeting you just put the box as-is on the table...and the people better be appreciative that you took the 8 minutes out of your day to pick them up and the $11 out of your wallet to pay for them.

I have a client who always requests "2 dozen warm glazed donuts from Shipley's" Don't think about getting them from Dunkin' Donuts, or Best Donuts or even Krispy Kreme. And... they better be warm. Well by the time I pick them up on my way in to work, park my car, walk the 3 blocks to my office building, and up 26 floors to the Conference Center, they are no longer "warm." How do we rectify this situation... we put them in a chaffer and warm them up and keep them warm.

I wanted so badly to take a picture of this little funny thing we do, but by the time we had the donuts all set up, the clients were arriving and I missed the photo op. Next time.

No good, very bad, terrible, horrible day

It might not get worse than this....

My new job, although I love it, can be trying. I have these days every now and again.

My day started by my boss coming over our headsets (glorified walkie talkies) saying "why isn't 26A set up for a meeting, when there is a meeting in there at 10:00am?" Mind you, it's 10:04 when this is happening. Just then one of my employees says, "I don't know anything about a meeting in 26A" to which my boss replied "it's Missy's meeting" By the way- Missy is the big big boss, she's from NYC and is not forgiving at all. Well, it's my job to tell everyone when the meetings are happening, at what time, and who is attending. So this is totally my fault.

Then, I get about 6 calls for last minute meetings who also would like lunch in their meeting rooms before their meetings start- oh in 15 minutes. One of them says to me "Oh, just make that grilled chicken and vegetables that you always do." HELLO- what this guy does not realize is that we don't have a full kitchen, and we certainly aren't grilling any chicken in the microwave. The only cooking we do is popcorn. So I am flabergasted at the request and want to tell him-- well buddy, your options are box lunches from Lenny's or box lunches from Murphy's. That's what you get when it's 11:45 and you want to eat at noon. Not a hot meal, and certainly not grilled chicken. I got him his grilled chicken- I am a miracle worker. He probably still thinks I whipped it up right then and there.

There's more, I'll be back

A Summer night at the grocery store

The most fun I've had in a while. Now, mind you, I have been working like a dog, non-stop for a while now, and have not been to the grocery store in over a month, and haven't been to the grocery store by myself in...well...I don't remember. So tonight, my roommate left to go out of town, and I had a memorable evening.

I didn't buy anything to make a meal, or to complete a meal in the traditional sense. For you a meal might mean a salad, main dish, 2 sides and some bread. For me, a meal can be a French baguette, Laughing Cow Cheese, Hanson's green tea and pomegranate soda, and for dessert, plain yogurt with raw honey. YUMMMM. And so that is exactly what I am having now that I have returned from my adventure. There once was a day when this was the norm for me. I might even eat one sliced sweet potato baked in the oven and topped with brown sugar. Now my life is filled with meat and rice, no vegetables, and little fruit. Tonight was liberating. I went in with no shopping list and no time limits. I just perused and let my senses take everything in. I remembered what it felt like to go out in flip flops, shorts and a tank top instead of stopping in my 4 inch heals on my way home from work. The late night reminded me of South Carolina, I bought only organic as if I was in Colorado, I walked around eating my baguette as if I was in France, I bought only snack-like food as if I was in Israel. Here is what I came out with:

4 bottles of San Pellegrino
Laughing Cow Cheese
Brie
Canned tuna in water
Cracked pepper crackers
Ground turkey
Milk for my favorite cereal already at my house
Plain yogurt
An avocado
Pierogies
Hanson's all natural green tea and pomegranate soda
Black beans
Earl Grey tea bags
Dozen eggs
Dark chocolate Snickers-minis
Martha Stewart magazine

Let's go back to the Dark chocolate Snickers-minis. THE DEVIL. OK, how does the Universe know that I already have a Snickers-minis problem? I won't buy or eat a regular or even King-sized Snickers, only the minis. It all has to do with the choclate to innereds ratio. AND NOW THEY HAVE THEM WITH DARK CHCOLATE!?!?!?!!! Had to buy a bag. And I didn't even get home before trying them- yum.

Martha Stewart mag. is my favorite, and another thing I don't indulge in enough, but when I got to the register and saw the Halloween issue, I couldn't resist. I love curling up on the couch to do the initial flip through. Then going back and reading all about the ideas that intrigued me the first time.

Another thing that is so great about my evening alone, is that every article of clothing that I own has been washed, dryed and neatly put away. Hanging clothes organized, t-shirts folded. Why is this one of the most peaceful and satisfying things ever?

A cigar- still sexy...

I have a photo, me, a cigar, red nails, and a stare. I don't take photos like this often, but Gazzle instills something in me, something so fun and daring.

B of C, why now? When I've been working for 4 months to let go and let be. And now, maybe when last week was the first week I thought 23 out of 24 hours 7 out of 7 days. And now, when I am actually working to forget. And now, when I am trying to move on. And now, when the situation is completely unavailable. And now, when that piece is shrinking in me.

Closure, I may never get it. Can we be honest enough with ourselves to say that the feelings are real? Can I be honest enough to say that I made a mistake? Can we be true to our emotions regardless of how things are in our realities? Can we do this just once and be done with it? Or can we not and it goes on?

Elite bums

The other day, my husband and I stopped at Jamba Juice for a mid-afternoon snack between shopping for stuffy black suits for my work and random household items that people don't actually need, but have to have. As we are walking in the door we see a man sitting at a table eating a gourmet sandwich, probably smoked turkey, brie and avocado, from the Starbucks next door. As we open the door to Jamba Juice the guy says to my husband- hey man, wanna buy me a smoothie? To which my husband says- not really. 3 minutes later, a guy in a Mercedes with slicked back hair escorts the homeless guy into the Jamba Juice buys him a smoothie and leaves. Mercedes doesn't even buy himself a smoothie. This guy had all of his faculties about him, was wearing nicer shoes than my husband, eating a sandwich I would never buy at Starbucks, just out of principle of how rediculous the price is, and was totally ungrateful for the man who just bought him a smoothie. This guy was an elite bum, and I'm totally baffled by the whole thing.

To commit or not commit, that is the question

Commitment, why is it such a difficult task to swollow? I realized that while I never live in the present, I also never really commit to much. I have identified a couple of things that I am committed wholly to: the Baha'i Faith, my family, gazza, mazza. These things never waiver. They are easy to commit to as my Faith will never fail me, and the others have such an unconditional love for me that I cannot disappoint.

Dissappointment, that is the problem. I find trouble committing to something I can dissapoint, or be disappointed by. Case in point: College. I go to college with high expectations of succeeding, excelling, having new experiences, and so on. Only half way through, I had to find something else to do. I wasn't excelling or succeeding, so as soon as the first opportunity presented itself, I was gone. Just before the going got tough, gone. I moved on to something easy. I took a job overseas that I could not fail at, and I could not disappoint. I think this is why I wish everyday to go back to that time. In the world I work in now, everytime I turn around, I have disappointed someone. I can never be perfect enough. And so I don't know if I want to commit to this company, and my new bosses.

Boulder.. the perfect place for me, almost. I was afraid that if I stayed, I would be disappointed, and so I moved on. In reality, I was happy, but the thought of moving on to a brighter, easier future presented itself again, and I lept. It may have been the wrong decision. I was never disappointed by Boulder, because I didn't stay long enough for it to disappoint me. It stays as a utopia for me. I don't know what could have been, and never will.

My marriage, I waiver almost daily about my decision. After 4 years, I have yet to give myself 100% to it's institution. I finally started... trying to work on... thinking about... being an active participant in my union. With each day that passes, I try to put the past behind, the could have, and love of the past. It's difficult when the person you wake up next to only sees the faults, and the person in your past only saw the perfection. I have to realize that time has past. I now wish I could forget all and live in this day. I will continue to try.

Today my father-in-law was diagnosed with Cancer. I was overwhelmed with the force of commitment to my husband and his family today. I think it's time to give in.

I still have sand in my shoes

"I still have sand in my shoes, and I can't shake the thought of you. I should get off, forget you, but why would I want to?"

For me, this line, from this song, isn't about a love interest, and it isn't about a person, but about life experiences and my living in the past, and always wanting the past back. My grass isn't greener on the other side, my grass is greener 5 years ago. And no matter what happens to me everyday, no matter the bounties, I know that the grass was greener then.

I walk around in with sand in my shoes always. White sand from the sandtrap of a golfcourse where I grew up. Beach sand from the shores of sunny South Carolina where I went to school. Dessert sand from Israel, where I spent the best 18 months of my life. Sand from the terrain of the Colorado Rockies where I lived aimlessly for 9 months. Where I live now, there is no sand. There hasn't been new sand in my shoes for years, but the old sand remains.