Thursday, September 6, 2007

To commit or not commit, that is the question

Commitment, why is it such a difficult task to swollow? I realized that while I never live in the present, I also never really commit to much. I have identified a couple of things that I am committed wholly to: the Baha'i Faith, my family, gazza, mazza. These things never waiver. They are easy to commit to as my Faith will never fail me, and the others have such an unconditional love for me that I cannot disappoint.

Dissappointment, that is the problem. I find trouble committing to something I can dissapoint, or be disappointed by. Case in point: College. I go to college with high expectations of succeeding, excelling, having new experiences, and so on. Only half way through, I had to find something else to do. I wasn't excelling or succeeding, so as soon as the first opportunity presented itself, I was gone. Just before the going got tough, gone. I moved on to something easy. I took a job overseas that I could not fail at, and I could not disappoint. I think this is why I wish everyday to go back to that time. In the world I work in now, everytime I turn around, I have disappointed someone. I can never be perfect enough. And so I don't know if I want to commit to this company, and my new bosses.

Boulder.. the perfect place for me, almost. I was afraid that if I stayed, I would be disappointed, and so I moved on. In reality, I was happy, but the thought of moving on to a brighter, easier future presented itself again, and I lept. It may have been the wrong decision. I was never disappointed by Boulder, because I didn't stay long enough for it to disappoint me. It stays as a utopia for me. I don't know what could have been, and never will.

My marriage, I waiver almost daily about my decision. After 4 years, I have yet to give myself 100% to it's institution. I finally started... trying to work on... thinking about... being an active participant in my union. With each day that passes, I try to put the past behind, the could have, and love of the past. It's difficult when the person you wake up next to only sees the faults, and the person in your past only saw the perfection. I have to realize that time has past. I now wish I could forget all and live in this day. I will continue to try.

Today my father-in-law was diagnosed with Cancer. I was overwhelmed with the force of commitment to my husband and his family today. I think it's time to give in.

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