Saturday, March 22, 2008

Finishing Things

I love finishing things. It brings me so much joy to finish an entire bottle of shampoo before opening the next bottle. I love the look of a completely clean room- finished and clean down to dusting and making the bed perfectly. I'll often times even close the door behind me so that I know that it is done. It's no wonder that my career is full of finishing things. My favorite part of an event is when it is over. It's like a big breath that I get out of feeling the completeness of something. So you can imagine my joy and excitement when I finished my bottle of medication in December, when I was no longer feeling any symptoms of Lupus running through my body. I finished the bottle regardless, just to feel that satisfaction I have grown to love so much. I've been really happy about not having to refill that Rx. Until this last week. I've had the flare up of a lifetime. I have spent the last week unable to walk and grab things with my hands, and rolling over in bed is out of the question. The bottoms of my feet even started to hurt by Friday. At first I thought that these pains I was feeling were from that strenuous game of paintball I played last weekend, but alas after 7 days of excruciating pain, I've resigned to the fact that the disease has taken over again. Ugh! But I'm fighting it. I refilled the Rx and am going to take it to completion then re-assess. I was so ready to be done with it forever.

With a flare up I know that it didn't just come about unwarranted. As before, the amount of stress that I have been enduring over the last couple of weeks is way above the amounts I have experienced over the last 3 months. Person A and I starting to talk again. Person A's father passing away. Person A's mother ousting me from the family. Oh wait, could it be the re-entry of Person A back into my life bringing about the stress? Not that it's all his fault, but his presence, I think, is actually harmful to me. Gaz said once that there was a person in her life who was toxic to her- could this be the problem? Is Person A toxic to me? Do I need to just be done and finished with Person A once and for all? Will the relief of the end be the breath that I need to live a happy, healthy, fulfilled life? The answer remains to be seen. I'm trying to make a decision, but don't want to react too quickly in the longing for my breath that I make the wrong choice.

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