My theme song for this year

Shine- by David Gray

I can see it in your eyes
What I know in my heart is true
That our love it has faded
Like the summer run through
So we'll walk down the shoreline
One last time together
Feel the wind blow our wandering hearts
Like a feather
But who knows whats waiting
In the wings of time
Dry your eyes
We gotta go where we can shine

Dont be hiding in sorrow
Or clinging to the past
With your beauty so precious
And the season so fast
No matter how cold the horizon appears
Or how far the first night
When I held you near
You gotta rise from these ashes
Like a bird of flame
Step out of the shadow
Weve gotta go where we can shine

For all that we struggle
For all we pretend
It don't come down to nothing
Except love in the end
And ours is a road
That is strewn with goodbyes
But as it unfolds
As it all unwinds
Remember your soul is the one thing
You cant compromise
Take my hand
Were gonna go where we can shine
Were gonna go where we can shine
Were gonna go where we can shine

(and look, and look)
Through the windows of midnight
Moonfoam and silver

The great announcement

So it took only about an hour for my aunt, whom I love, to say "OK Jenny, so when are you going to dish?" My aunt and I have a great relationship. She and I can speak so frankly to each other, and what others may think is a strained conversation, is actually a loving conversation. She speaks her mind and I understand her. So I sat in the living room and told my entire family what had been going on over the last 5 years. Again I am received with some great support and love.

My Grammi says "Life is too short to be unhappy, and I'm really glad you stood up for yourself."

My uncle follows with "Men who cannot handle strong women, have issues."

And my cousin, in classic form says "I'm just going to stay out of it."

Thank God that is over and that my family is the greatest!

Home sweet Home

There is something magical about being back in your parent's home, back with the people who know you best and where things rarely change. Why is it so comforting to know that the q-tips are under the right side of the vanity in the master bathroom? And that my Mom will always have an assortment of at least 15 kinds of tea? And, annoying as it is, that there are only left-handed scissors in the kitchen and sewing room, but the right-handed scissors are only found in my brother's room? Or that there is a dimmer switch in the upstairs bathroom because my brother hates bright light first thing in the morning, so he practically takes a shower in the dark? And how about the part about how your family will back you up no matter what is going on in your life, and that they are always there for you?

My Dad and I always go the day before Christmas Eve to purchase a lovely gag gift for my grandmother who is aging by the day, but who remains a good sport. She always finds some use for the gift that we so lovingly pick out. We always break down laughing in the store where it is purchased, then rush home to show my mom, who is not equally amused, and I think feels as though on some level, we are abusing my grandmother.

I also love driving across Missouri with the parents the exact same way every time. We stop at the QT at Mid Rivers Mall Drive to fill up, then drive west to the first exit for Colombia to get Burger King, then head into the PRK. My Dad always announces when we have crossed into what we call the "PRK" or the People's Republic of Kansas. My Dad always calls when we are about 40 minutes away to alert everyone of the exact moment we will arrive.

The comfort in these events makes me smile, and even though everything in life is changing rapidly, there are some constants to come home to. I love you guys!

I'm Fine

KK and I sit here, another night, battleshipping. She writing deep and meaningful things, and I trying to do the same.

I am fine. Really. I haven't felt this fine in so long. I wish people would stop feeling sorry for me. If I've talked to you in the last couple of days, I've made this point clear. On Sunday I started feeling guilty that I didn't feel like curling up in a ball and sobbing my eyeballs out. But I just don't. I was told to pray for protection. I have been, nightly. It's helping. Calling on your true inner strength from the only source you can draw completely on, totally works. I'm so thankful for my Faith in God. Without it I might be falling apart. I also owe a world of gratitude to Kathy Grammer for helping me tap into my intuition. I actually listen when I feel sick to my stomach about something. I am relying on this tool all of the time now, and it is working for me. I haven't felt sick to my stomach for a long time, and usually it's an everyday occurrence.

Eggs can mean so much

So today I witnessed a miraculous thing. This morning, as I was getting up and milling around getting ready, I saw Kevin in the kitchen cooking eggs. Two days before I had seen him making eggs for Baby I, which I think is really cool, but then he put the eggs and toast on a plate, grabbed a diet coke and headed into KK's room. Wow, Kevin got up early, made KK eggs and took them to her in her room where she was getting ready. I mean, that is almost breakfast in bed. And that is crazy great. I was in shock. Granted, I have been told by KK herself that it isn't always like this and while he has his great moments, he also has his bad ones. But to me, this was awesome! I think if this had happened one time in the last 7 years, I would stick around. At this point that would even be enough for me to stay.

Poll question of the day- Do you have more good days than bad days in your marriage?

Result- 99% Yes, 1% No

I never knew it could be bliss.

Hmmmmmmmm

You bring sunshine

J! I don't know what to say. 2am hasn't seemed so great in so long- probably because I haven't had any reason to stay up so late, and I had forgotten what 2am looks like. Usually, I can't wait to get to bed- to forget about everything that is going on in life. It's my time to relax, but I've grown to love this time of night, as I once did when living in Haifa. Thank you for the sunshine you bring me every day.

Gaz and Maz- KK and I have started tabletime on Marblepointe- which Kevin is calling "Battleship". Ours is consisting of listening to Coldplay and KK drinking a glass of wine, while I sip on some tea.

A whole lot of love

I have been over-joyed this weekend by the warmth that KK, her son, and her baby daddy have shown me. I have been staying with them for the past couple of nights, and while their family isn't perfect, they seem perfect to me.

Tonight, I participated in a Pagan ritual which I haven't participated in for years. My family gave it up over 10 years ago, and I haven't been fond of it for a long time. I haven't been fond of this whole Holiday for quite some time. I'm disappointed by the over zealous materialism which presents itself on this one day, and for what? The birth of one of God's prophets. Person A said to me the other day- I wonder what it would be like, if everyone who celebrated Christmas actually stopped for a moment on Christmas Day to say a prayer for Jesus. This is such an interesting thought. What an impact that could have on the world spiritually. Anyway, we decorated the Christmas Tree tonight. KK's mom and step dad came over, we played Christmas music, baked green Christmas tree cookies, and hung ornaments. I of course had to put my mark on the tree with my Cardinal ornament front and center.



But the greatest thing was looking up from the puzzle that KK and I were working on in between cookie baking and hanging ornaments and seeing the love all around the living room. Even with KK's baby daddy hanging around wanting for more, and Baby I fussing and breaking ornaments and "G" vacuuming up the pieces, the love was so present in the air of this house, which I am now calling home.

J! I can't get enough of your words.

It's Over

The end of an era came on Thursday night. My life will be changing.

Your unwillingness to ask for help, to seek help, lets me know what I need to know. Your lack of faith in Faith tells me the rest of the story. I feel nothing. I want nothing. I'm numb. I'm just going about my days weightless. Free of the burden of you. I am sorry for the life that will never be, a life that had such promise. And I am feeling guilty about the lack of emotion in me now. But what am I supposed to do, I guess I expected to be a huge ball of depression, unable to get out of the bed- but I'm just not.

Last night a friend hugged me and for the first time in years, I had a huge thrust of wow. I haven't felt that in ages. It's good.

KK, thank you for being my savior right now. I'm totally comfortable here and at peace here. I love the babe running around.

Update

I feel like it's time for a blogging update:

1. I still have sand in my shoes, mostly from Colorado, but I just came back from there, so that might be the problem. Seeing Double B's and Katie, and the fact that my snow was there- not helpful.

2. My father-in-law is doing very well!

3. Our plant died last week. I didn't tell you.

4. I sucked it up and paid my $250 parking ticket.

5. I'm still holding out for a Sushi drive-thru.

6. Holiday season has made we work twice as much as I normally would have double-worked.

7. Another song I realized I love to sing to- Livin' on a Prayer, Bon Jovi

8. There is still a warrant out for my arrest

9. My tipping point might be Jan. 1

10. My hair has been awful since returing to the land of humidity.

A wave of sadness

I was feeling totally content and happy with my trip to Colorado. I felt as though some things were actually completed, which I had left un-completed. While I was closing doors, other doors were opening. And then this afternoon a wave of sadness overcame me.

I realize now that I everyone knew, and everyone told me, and that I refused to listen.

Megan told me. I believe her words were "I can't believe you are going to waste your life on this..."

Double B's told me. I believe his words were "Here I am standing in front of you, giving you all of me and you want to give yourself to _________."

My Mom told me. I believe her words were "Why are you doing this?"

Maz and Gaz told me. I believe their words were "Are you sure this is what you want for the rest of your life?"

Most importantly, my soul. My soul told me and I didn't even listen. I compromised. And now I have the opportunity to fix it. But do I have the strength? I'm not sure that I do, and so all I can do is pray for strength. I already have the support.I already have the plan. It's the execution. I already know what to do I just have to do it.

Can I please give a shout out to my support team- Gaz, Maz, KK, Double B's, Katie, Kim, Roselyn, J!. If I haven't roped you in I might be calling on you soon.

J!

J! Where are you? It's been days and I am missing our nightly convos. Come back!

Another great hair day

Not only is my time in Boulder great, but so is my hair. I can do this no humidity thing. I mean, I fix my hair and it stays perfect. Lays perfect, the color shows perfectly, the wind blows and it still is perfect. A phenomenon I have yet to experience in Houston.

When I woke up this morning, it was still snowing and a man entered my room with my breakfast- room service might be my new luxury. It was a beautiful scene, my winter wonderland had completed itself overnight, with trees drooping from the weight of the snow and cars covered and the inability to tell the difference between a sidewalk and a street.

I headed into Boulder to meet up with an old friend who is having the same struggles that I am having with this life. To bond with her over these issues was so liberating. I'm holding you to the end of January! Thanks for the Snarf's!

And to re-bond with you was amazing. It was just what I needed to be able to live again. You are my lobster and I am your oyster holding onto the pearl. You remind me of who I am and how great I am, and you make me believe it. You know me to the core of my being, even after so many years. We sat, we talked, and I am now on cloud 9. You give me strength, you give me hope. And to know that the flame will exist forever, even if our timing never aligns, gives me joy. I still want to scream from the mountain tops! And I will try to put my flip flops on.

From Denver with Love

When I started off today, all I had was a plane ticket and a front row seat to David Gray. What I ended up with was what I would consider a perfect day. Taking off from Houston where it was 82 degrees and landing in Denver where it was 37 is sheer bliss for me. It had just started snowing and creating my winder wonderland. Double B's says it was just for me. My Snow. My Mountains.

AAA is my new best friend. I called from IAH airport and told them to book a car and a room for me and that I would be landing in 2 hours- they set it all up, emailed my confirmations to the Blackberry and with super discounts. I have never used my AAA membership before, but I might be making up reasons to use it now.

I feel like I my whole blog is a product endorsement sometimes.

We picked up the urban assault vehicle and headed into Boulder for the afternoon, grabbing a coffee to walk Pearl Street with and basked in the glow of the huge flakes falling on our heads.

When we got back in to Denver we checked in to the greatest hotel where we were pampered with great ambiance and luxurious linens. We ate a great buffet dinner and headed off to the best concert I had ever been to. I've never sat front row at any concert, but to be sitting front row at David Gray was the ultimate for me. I can die now. It was as if he was sitting in my living room playing for me. It was so intimate and lovely. He opened with Shine- a song wich contains my current life motto "Your soul is the one thing you can't compromise." This might be the truest statement ever. Your soul is the one thing that is completely yours.

I feel so alive in this city. I live when I'm here, live like I love to live.

And it continues to snow through the night.

To Re-Connect

I wanted to start off by saying that it was really hard for me to resist the urge to eat chocolate chips for breakfast this morning.

I realized this week that reconnecting with old friends and family is so important. I quite possibly don't bring any benefit to other's lives, but they certainly do bring that to me.

BW- blast from the past. From the way past, like pre-school past. So glad to have someone in H-town to make me feel at home and to remenisce about good ol' B.T. times. In the last 7 years I have interacted with one person from my elementary days so it's nice to reconnect with someone else and find out who they are in contact with and what all the goss is with them. BW reminds me of what it was like to be a kid with no cares in the world. At the end of this month I have my 10 year high school reunion in B.T. where I will be flooded with these childhood memories.

I heard from an old friend- J! as we all call him (yes with exclamation!) When I met him I was 18 years old and boy did he catch my eye. He was so cool and debonair, and he wore this white doo rag thing on his head (and he is the whitest white boy you will ever meet from OKC at that). We were at a Baha'i Conference in Dallas and there were tons of young people running around all over the place. I wish I could remember what he said which started our whole conversation, but I can't (it was 10 years ago). Over the course of the weekend we were inseparable, ending the weekend with a big pash session, which at 18 is so fun. What I love and remember most about J! was not that we had great make out sessions, but that he had a vitality for living that I hadn't found matched yet in my life. I loved talking to him and being around him. Anyway, we recently found each other again and I'm so excited because I need his spark for life back in mine.

Double B's- I have a sneaky suspicion that you will keep kreeping up in my life no matter what. While most of the time I feel like that is a bad thing for me, as we are in two totally different places in life, I feel too like it's a good thing. You are the person who reminds me of what it is to be truely loved and cherished- no matter what. And right now I need that more than anything. I'd like to think that our meeting will help alleviate some of my thoughts of you and help me move on with my life in general. And maybe a little part of you who still thinks of me can move on too.

Thank you people from the past for reminding me of who I am!