Saturday, June 21, 2008

Suffocated no more

I took a nap this afternoon, and as I woke up, I felt something on my back. I was hot and felt suffocated. And while I hadn't had bad dreams and felt comfortable the entire time I was sleeping, it was there. And it was so real. I realized that it was the feeling I used to have when Person A would hold me down to keep me by his side. He insisted on being right by my side at all times. But for me, not in a good way...more in a controlling way. He felt better when he could control me. When he could prove that he could overpower me physically. He never laid a violent hand on me, but there was always an underlying control factor for him. I always felt like he wanted to control my every action, but knew that there was a line that I would not tolerate. The feeling was so vivid this afternoon that I actually had a moment of panic that maybe I had left the front door unlocked and he had actually snuck in while I was sleeping. I didn't move a muscle until I was fully conscious, as I used to when we were living together. I would avoid confronting the situation as long as I could by faking sleep.

A wave of fear came over me, I have been afraid of him for so long. And I don't think I will stop until everything is final.

1 comment:

Write Softly said...

Oh, my dear, dear friend.

I had no idea how it was for you. I never knew.

I am so sorry.

And amazingly proud of you for the steps you have taken to reclaim your life.

You are my hero.