Excuses, excuses

I have a co-worker who has a co-worker who calls in late nearly every morning. I will refer to her as Rita in order to protect the identity of this individual. You should know that this person rarely arrives prior to 10:00am. Below is a sample of the excuses and reasoning for being late:

1. The standard "This is Rita. I'm sick, but I'll be in shortly"
2. Hey this is Rita, I'm at the dentist office. One of my my uh caps of one of my teeth came off. And he's going to put it back. I'm actually about to leave for there. As soon as I get that done, I'll be in. It's one of the caps on one of the teeth that somebody did a root canal on.
3. Hey this is Rita, I have Sugar (one of her dogs) at the vet. She is not acting right. She is laying around and not wanting to eat. They think she has ingested something that their just not sure about right now. They are running some tests. And as soon as they have the test results are on Sugar, it shouldn't be long, I'll be in. I'm just really concerned for her. I'll be in in a little bit.
4. Hey this is Rita. I'm stuck in freaking traffic. I don't know what's going on, but I'll be there as soon as I can. (FYI in Houston, the 4th largest city in the US of A, there is traffic at 8:15am)
5. I'm on my way, I'm still not feeling up to snuff, but I'm on my way in. Should be there in 30 minutes. Bye bye.
6. Hey this is Rita. I am on my way in. I was debating about whether to come in. I broke my finger moving furniture over the weekend and uh it was really hurting last night. Anyway, I'm on my way in as soon as I catch a bus. I think one comes around 20minutes to 10 (it's 8:16 when this voicemail is being left)or something like quarter to 10 and I'll see you in a bit. Bye.
7. Hey it's Rita. I am on my way in, I just wanted you to know, and didn't want you to worry. Be there in a few minutes. Bye bye.
8. This is Rita. I'm not feeling real well, so I'll probably be in between 9:30 and 10 (Shocker)
9. Hey this is Rita. I'm about 10 minutes from the office. The traffic has been horrible here. I've been sittin' on it for about 30 minutes. I expected to be in earlier than this. Anyway I just wanted you to know where I was. Uhm. It doesn't do me any good to try and get there. As it never seems to work out. I should be there in the next 10 to 15 minutes. OK, bye bye
10. Hey this is Rita. Uhm. This week sucks. I uhm forgot to set my alarm last night, so I uhm will be there shortly. I am so sorry, but I'll be there shortly.
11. *if only you could hear this one, the raspy voice makes all the difference* This is Rita, I'm still not feeling well, but I am coming in. It's just taking me a little while to get moving. But I will be in. Bye
12. This is Rita. I meant to get there early this morning, but it didn't work out that way. Uhhhh. And I have been sitting in traffic for atleast 45 minutes. I don't know what is wrong. It seems to be picking up a little bit. There must be a wreck or something. I'll be there in a little bit.
13. This is Rita. Running late. Hit my stupid off button instead of my snooze button. Be there shortly. Bye.
14. Hey this is Rita. It's about 5:30 in the morning and I have not been able to sleep with my back and I'm going to try to get in to a doctor today if someone can get me in. Because it hurts horrible for me to walk. And I probably won't be in today, but you can call me by my blackberry. Ok.
15. This is Rita. Listen I called the doctor's office and they said with the shot, the three days after the shot will be the worst. That's why today I am worse. Uh. So I'm going to stay home today and hopefully tomorrow it will be better. If you need me call me on my cell phone or contact me via blackberry. I might try to get on the computer for a minute if I can uhm manage it. Anyway, sorry about all this. It's just the way things are. Talk to you later. Bye bye.
16. This is Rita. I forgot to set my alarm again. I came home and dozed off and slept the whole night. I'm going to get dressed and head in as soon as I can.
17. This is Rita. I'm taking Sweet Pea (her other dog) into the vet this morning. She's been throwing up and not feeling good and having diahrea. I don't know if she got in to something or what. It shouldn't take too long, I'll be in as soon as I can.

This will go on and on, and you get the idea. Please do not think I have mis-typed anything, all of the sentance fragments and "uhm's" are actually there. I'm continuing my list with the cliff notes version:

18. Stepped on garbage bag that had broken glass in it and cut foot
19. Worked in the yard all weekend and is sore. Also had to deal with her niece who clearly has a severe case of ADD so she is emotionally worn out as well. Don't worry though, she's leaving at 3 today.
20 Dentist appointment, crown replacement. appt at 9:15, should be in 11:30 or sooner (later in the morning: crown didn't fit, took longer than expected. call don't e-mail if you need me, because it's against the law now to text while you drive.)
21. Problem with neighbor. Rang doorbell at 10:30 and she told him to go away. Rang again at 3:30 and he was drunk. She called the police; and her sister. Needless to say, she is super tired after all of that drama and will be in late.
22. Took 20 minutes to find a parking space
23. Went out this morning to find a flat tire. Have called service to come change. They should be here shortly. Be in as soon as I can. I think I should have taken this whole week off - it has not been a good one so far.
24. One of her dogs peed all over her even though she let her "wee wee" before they left the house.
25. Celebrated family birthdays over the weekend and got food poisoning from the Coke Floats. The ice cream was bad.
26. Claim agent just showed up as she was leaving the house to take an assessment of the hurricane damage done to her house.
27. Had to stop and pick up a prescription that she totally forgot the night before.
28. Took her car into the shop and decided to trade it in. A little new car shopping on your way to work never hurt anyone right?
29. Sick in the stomach, diahreah, taking immodium- basically way too much information
30. Dog ate a raw and a half potato (yes you read it how she said it)
31. Had to do some last minute packing (for an one night stay in Houston for work).

My co-worker and I have decided to co-write a book with excuses to miss or be late for work based soley on this person's daily voicemails. You won't want to miss the coffee table version.