No good, very bad, terrible, horrible day

It might not get worse than this....

My new job, although I love it, can be trying. I have these days every now and again.

My day started by my boss coming over our headsets (glorified walkie talkies) saying "why isn't 26A set up for a meeting, when there is a meeting in there at 10:00am?" Mind you, it's 10:04 when this is happening. Just then one of my employees says, "I don't know anything about a meeting in 26A" to which my boss replied "it's Missy's meeting" By the way- Missy is the big big boss, she's from NYC and is not forgiving at all. Well, it's my job to tell everyone when the meetings are happening, at what time, and who is attending. So this is totally my fault.

Then, I get about 6 calls for last minute meetings who also would like lunch in their meeting rooms before their meetings start- oh in 15 minutes. One of them says to me "Oh, just make that grilled chicken and vegetables that you always do." HELLO- what this guy does not realize is that we don't have a full kitchen, and we certainly aren't grilling any chicken in the microwave. The only cooking we do is popcorn. So I am flabergasted at the request and want to tell him-- well buddy, your options are box lunches from Lenny's or box lunches from Murphy's. That's what you get when it's 11:45 and you want to eat at noon. Not a hot meal, and certainly not grilled chicken. I got him his grilled chicken- I am a miracle worker. He probably still thinks I whipped it up right then and there.

There's more, I'll be back

A Summer night at the grocery store

The most fun I've had in a while. Now, mind you, I have been working like a dog, non-stop for a while now, and have not been to the grocery store in over a month, and haven't been to the grocery store by myself in...well...I don't remember. So tonight, my roommate left to go out of town, and I had a memorable evening.

I didn't buy anything to make a meal, or to complete a meal in the traditional sense. For you a meal might mean a salad, main dish, 2 sides and some bread. For me, a meal can be a French baguette, Laughing Cow Cheese, Hanson's green tea and pomegranate soda, and for dessert, plain yogurt with raw honey. YUMMMM. And so that is exactly what I am having now that I have returned from my adventure. There once was a day when this was the norm for me. I might even eat one sliced sweet potato baked in the oven and topped with brown sugar. Now my life is filled with meat and rice, no vegetables, and little fruit. Tonight was liberating. I went in with no shopping list and no time limits. I just perused and let my senses take everything in. I remembered what it felt like to go out in flip flops, shorts and a tank top instead of stopping in my 4 inch heals on my way home from work. The late night reminded me of South Carolina, I bought only organic as if I was in Colorado, I walked around eating my baguette as if I was in France, I bought only snack-like food as if I was in Israel. Here is what I came out with:

4 bottles of San Pellegrino
Laughing Cow Cheese
Brie
Canned tuna in water
Cracked pepper crackers
Ground turkey
Milk for my favorite cereal already at my house
Plain yogurt
An avocado
Pierogies
Hanson's all natural green tea and pomegranate soda
Black beans
Earl Grey tea bags
Dozen eggs
Dark chocolate Snickers-minis
Martha Stewart magazine

Let's go back to the Dark chocolate Snickers-minis. THE DEVIL. OK, how does the Universe know that I already have a Snickers-minis problem? I won't buy or eat a regular or even King-sized Snickers, only the minis. It all has to do with the choclate to innereds ratio. AND NOW THEY HAVE THEM WITH DARK CHCOLATE!?!?!?!!! Had to buy a bag. And I didn't even get home before trying them- yum.

Martha Stewart mag. is my favorite, and another thing I don't indulge in enough, but when I got to the register and saw the Halloween issue, I couldn't resist. I love curling up on the couch to do the initial flip through. Then going back and reading all about the ideas that intrigued me the first time.

Another thing that is so great about my evening alone, is that every article of clothing that I own has been washed, dryed and neatly put away. Hanging clothes organized, t-shirts folded. Why is this one of the most peaceful and satisfying things ever?

A cigar- still sexy...

I have a photo, me, a cigar, red nails, and a stare. I don't take photos like this often, but Gazzle instills something in me, something so fun and daring.

B of C, why now? When I've been working for 4 months to let go and let be. And now, maybe when last week was the first week I thought 23 out of 24 hours 7 out of 7 days. And now, when I am actually working to forget. And now, when I am trying to move on. And now, when the situation is completely unavailable. And now, when that piece is shrinking in me.

Closure, I may never get it. Can we be honest enough with ourselves to say that the feelings are real? Can I be honest enough to say that I made a mistake? Can we be true to our emotions regardless of how things are in our realities? Can we do this just once and be done with it? Or can we not and it goes on?

Elite bums

The other day, my husband and I stopped at Jamba Juice for a mid-afternoon snack between shopping for stuffy black suits for my work and random household items that people don't actually need, but have to have. As we are walking in the door we see a man sitting at a table eating a gourmet sandwich, probably smoked turkey, brie and avocado, from the Starbucks next door. As we open the door to Jamba Juice the guy says to my husband- hey man, wanna buy me a smoothie? To which my husband says- not really. 3 minutes later, a guy in a Mercedes with slicked back hair escorts the homeless guy into the Jamba Juice buys him a smoothie and leaves. Mercedes doesn't even buy himself a smoothie. This guy had all of his faculties about him, was wearing nicer shoes than my husband, eating a sandwich I would never buy at Starbucks, just out of principle of how rediculous the price is, and was totally ungrateful for the man who just bought him a smoothie. This guy was an elite bum, and I'm totally baffled by the whole thing.

To commit or not commit, that is the question

Commitment, why is it such a difficult task to swollow? I realized that while I never live in the present, I also never really commit to much. I have identified a couple of things that I am committed wholly to: the Baha'i Faith, my family, gazza, mazza. These things never waiver. They are easy to commit to as my Faith will never fail me, and the others have such an unconditional love for me that I cannot disappoint.

Dissappointment, that is the problem. I find trouble committing to something I can dissapoint, or be disappointed by. Case in point: College. I go to college with high expectations of succeeding, excelling, having new experiences, and so on. Only half way through, I had to find something else to do. I wasn't excelling or succeeding, so as soon as the first opportunity presented itself, I was gone. Just before the going got tough, gone. I moved on to something easy. I took a job overseas that I could not fail at, and I could not disappoint. I think this is why I wish everyday to go back to that time. In the world I work in now, everytime I turn around, I have disappointed someone. I can never be perfect enough. And so I don't know if I want to commit to this company, and my new bosses.

Boulder.. the perfect place for me, almost. I was afraid that if I stayed, I would be disappointed, and so I moved on. In reality, I was happy, but the thought of moving on to a brighter, easier future presented itself again, and I lept. It may have been the wrong decision. I was never disappointed by Boulder, because I didn't stay long enough for it to disappoint me. It stays as a utopia for me. I don't know what could have been, and never will.

My marriage, I waiver almost daily about my decision. After 4 years, I have yet to give myself 100% to it's institution. I finally started... trying to work on... thinking about... being an active participant in my union. With each day that passes, I try to put the past behind, the could have, and love of the past. It's difficult when the person you wake up next to only sees the faults, and the person in your past only saw the perfection. I have to realize that time has past. I now wish I could forget all and live in this day. I will continue to try.

Today my father-in-law was diagnosed with Cancer. I was overwhelmed with the force of commitment to my husband and his family today. I think it's time to give in.

I still have sand in my shoes

"I still have sand in my shoes, and I can't shake the thought of you. I should get off, forget you, but why would I want to?"

For me, this line, from this song, isn't about a love interest, and it isn't about a person, but about life experiences and my living in the past, and always wanting the past back. My grass isn't greener on the other side, my grass is greener 5 years ago. And no matter what happens to me everyday, no matter the bounties, I know that the grass was greener then.

I walk around in with sand in my shoes always. White sand from the sandtrap of a golfcourse where I grew up. Beach sand from the shores of sunny South Carolina where I went to school. Dessert sand from Israel, where I spent the best 18 months of my life. Sand from the terrain of the Colorado Rockies where I lived aimlessly for 9 months. Where I live now, there is no sand. There hasn't been new sand in my shoes for years, but the old sand remains.