I've been formulating this blog entry in my head for weeks now. Unsure how to capture just what it is that I'm going through in this phase of my life.
Then the other day KK sent me this video.
And I realized that maybe I'm just a rootless tree.
So the gist of my entire being right now is that I woke up the other day wondering if this is it. As in...is all I have to look forward to everyday in this world getting up and going to work? Climbing the corporate ladder? I mean what if life deals me nothing more? Can I get ok with this? I just don't know.
The last time I was in Houston and spending an evening with The OZ, I realized that I don't really have the feelings for him that I once thought I would or could. On this night I felt sad that I didn't want anything more to do with him than maybe hanging out here and there. There was no pain in my stomach, no sorrow to leave on a plane the next day, nothing really. But the overwhelming feeling that I did have was that I might never feel love again. Here I've been hung up on this person for nearly a year and I wasn't feeling it. My stomach may never jump after anyone. And there may not be another person that I actually desire to spend every moment with. On the other side of the coin...no one may ever love me, adore me, or think I'm really great. Then this sadness lead to other realities, like I will wake up in an empty house every morning. I'll never have the pitter patter of little feet throughout my days. And my poor poor brother will be the only one who will be around.
It may just be a short period that this goes on for, but for the last month I've been dealing with it, hoping something will pull me out. But I may just be a rootless tree forever.