Here I hide. Just tonight. Typically courageous enough to tackle my life. But tonight I hide. I can't really handle it tonight. The misery that my life has become. And I think and wonder what I did to deserve this life of mine as I light one cigar off of the next. I'll probably sit here all night wondering. I see my friend OT, and think of calling his name, but then again, I'm hiding.
Here is the list of things I've done wrong in my life- frank and honest:
1. Sex before marriage- yep, it's my vice. Still is. It's easy for me to give my body away to anyone who seemingly wants to take it.
2. I cheated on Person A with Double B's for months while he was MIA. He never forgave me, although I think he forgives me now. I was, however, completely faithful to a fault when we were married. I can say that with conviction.
3. I don't pray anymore, or serve my Faith. I was burned in my divorce by the people who claimed to be followers of my Prophet and I think it damaged my relationship with God.
4. I started drinking, but only liquor and only Luxardo Sambuca. I'm serious about it. I just like the way it tastes. It actually sucks that it has alcohol, because I really dislike drinking altogether, and the things it does to people.
5. I threw my old boss under the bus because someone point blank asked if I thought she was doing a good job and I said "no" I was just being honest.
6. I don't talk to my parents as often as I should because I feel like they'll just worry about me.
7. I keep running away hoping to find something better- shocker I know.
I'm looking for a job. In another part of the country, only I don't know where to go. Do I want the big city again- I can certainly navigate it. Although I dream of living in Terre du Lac again, on the lake and working a part-time job, driving my old car and being quiet. I think of by childhood friend Julie who's mom went and lived on an island off the coast of Washington for 3 years and water colored everyday in order to re-group. But how many times am I going to re-group? Can't I just get it together? Maybe I should start writing the book. Or maybe my grandmother would give me the money to live for a while. I keep praying for someone to sweep me up and give me some aid- not monetarily, but in life in general.